Robbery Gone Wrong

 (Originally posted on r/WritingPrompts, inspired by this prompt: https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/1f28vsk/wp_broke_jobless_and_with_nothing_but_a_couch_and/ )

I awoke to the sound of a broken window. Someone had broken in.

"You! Where are all your valuables?" The masked intruder pointed a gun to my head.

"You're looking right at them," I said, standing up from my couch and putting my hands in the air.

"You mean to tell me that all you've got to your name is a beat up couch and an old fridge?"

"And the clothes I'm currently wearing."

"What's that in your pocket?"

"Oh, that. My wallet. Feel free to take that too. Good luck using it though. Every single card in there has been maxed out already just so I can keep paying my rent and putting food on my non-existent table, and my savings doesn't even have a hundred bucks in it. Just please let me keep my ID and social security card so I can at least have a chance at getting another job. I can't afford to pay the fees to replace them."

"You got keys to your car?"

"What car?" I laughed bitterly. "I had to sell that a year ago when I lost my job. And the last thief that showed up took my bike too."

"How about a laptop? You got one of those?"

"I had one about a month ago. But then the water heater leaked and flooded my apartment. The laptop didn't survive, and I've got an ER bill on its way from it nearly electrocuting me to death."

"I refuse to believe you could be that poor."

"Feel free to sweep through this entire place," I said. "Pat me down to make sure I'm not hiding anything on my person. Try to use my cards to buy you something on Amazon. I won't stop you."

"I think I'll do just that," he said.

I stayed completely still as the thief looked around my apartment and searched my pockets. I watched as his eyes went from suspicious to horrified.

"You really are that poor," he said, his voice growing concerned as he lowered his gun.

"Yup. Now I gotta decide whether I use my remaining $80 in my savings to replace the window you just broke so my landlord doesn't get mad or buy groceries for the next... however long I can make that money stretch. Assuming you don't take that too. Though I'm probably gonna be evicted soon anyways since I can't pay rent anymore."

"You know what? I'm just gonna go ahead and replace that window for you."

"You're sure you can afford to do that?" I asked. "You must be pretty desperate if you've resorted to stealing."

"Dude, the fact that you haven't resorted to stealing yet is wild considering how bad things have gotten. I don't got things nearly as bad as you."

"I've seen plenty of cops beat the ever-loving crap out of other people so I ain't risking that. I'd sooner jump off a bridge."

"You know that's fair. I've been stealing ever since I was a little kid so I'm pretty good at getting away with it. Sometimes I forget that stealing without leaving a trail for the cops to sniff out takes skills that not everybody has."

"On that note I'd like to give you a tiny bit of constructive criticism on your methods. You didn't even try to open the door."

"How'd you know that?"

"Because the lock to my door's been busted ever since the last thief broke in and stole my bike. Landlord said he'd replace it but so far as I know he's taken exactly zero steps to actually do that."

"Now I feel really stupid," he said, shaking his head.

"Happens to the best of us," I said with a shrug. "I'm just letting you know for future jobs you might take on."

"You know, why don't I let you sleep on my couch instead? It's a lot more comfortable than this old thing you've been sleeping on."

"You'd do that?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Us poor and desperate folk gotta look out for one another. The rich folk sure aren't."

"I think I'll take you up on your offer then," I said with a smile.

"And you know what else? I think I'll take these two pieces of junk you got, fix them up a bit and try to sell them for you."

"Not sure if anyone would buy them, but you're welcome to try. Some money's better than no money."

"My point exactly. Every little bit helps."

"Thanks, man. You're a pretty principled guy for a thief."

"I have standards. Unlike the jerk who took your bike."

"Oh, don't even get me started," I said, grinning ruefully.

"Who even goes through the trouble of breaking into an apartment just for a bike anyways? It's much easier and safer to just cut the flimsy lock off one of the ones outside. Heck, I've seen bikes outside that aren't even locked up."

"I dunno, man. Maybe he looked around at my meager provisions and decided the bike was the only thing worth taking. Sure was the most expensive thing I owned at the time."

"Dude, even if you still had the bike in here I still wouldn't have taken it from the likes of you. Except maybe to sell it and give you the money because I've got a better one you can use anyways."

"You're awesome."

"Just trying to help you out a little bit. Consider it an apology for breaking in and scaring the daylights outta you."

"Heh. You breaking in and seeing how bad I have it could well be the best thing that's happened to me all year. Though I will admit I was half expecting you to kill me and sell my organs on the black market. I doubt anyone would've looked for me."

"Though I wouldn't have done it, I knew a guy in prison who got locked up for doing that sorta thing. So I suppose I can't exactly blame you for thinking that."

"The world's certainly got some sick and twisted people out there, that's for sure. Glad you're not one of them."