The Incompetent Kidnappers

(originally posted on the r/WritingPrompts subreddit, under this prompt: https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/1f7kp9r/wp_the_abductors_looked_at_their_young_captive/ )

I awoke with a hangover, a bag over my head, my wrists and ankles tied to a chair, and a foul-tasting sock stuffed in my mouth. I knew underage drinking wasn't the best idea, but never in my wildest dreams would I have expected I'd be kidnapped because of it. Should've listened to Eliot. He warned me about the dangers of drinking, but did I listen? Absolutely not. Like most teenagers, I thought I was invincible. Being tied up like this was definitely humbling, to say the least.

"Had a nice nap?" a man said as he took the bag off my head.

I blinked as my eyes adjusted to the light. The man who'd just spoken was one of three masked figures. One of them was taller, the other was shorter.

"You're probably wondering why we chose you, of all people, to kidnap," the shortest man said.

I rolled my eyes. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

"You're probably too hung over to comprehend the dire situation you're in," the tallest man said as he took off my gag. "Aren't you, sweetie?"

"Yeah, yeah, rub it in," I said with a sigh. "I'm just an idiot kid who drank too much. Go ahead and laugh all you want."

"You don't seem the slightest bit scared," he said, taking out a knife. "But don't worry. That'll change real quick, I assure you."

"Oh, boy," I said, rolling my eyes once again. "Let me guess. You think I know something, and you're gonna torture me until I tell you. Does that sound about right?"

"You're pretty smart for a girl," Shorty said.

"What does being a girl have anything to do with it?" I asked. "If you said I was smart for a teenager, I'd give you that. Teenagers are dumb. But that goes for teenagers in general, not just girls."

"Listen here," Tall guy said, grabbing my chin. "You're gonna stop with the sass right now, or else I'll dig out every one of those nails on your pretty little fingers. Understand?"

"My apologies," I said politely. "What do you want to know?"

"That's better," he said, nodding. "Now tell me, how much money do your parents make?"

"Given the fact that my parents are dead, zero," I said. "They died in a car crash a couple years ago. Their assets were sold and split between me and my older brothers."

"I see. And who do you live with now?"

"My oldest brother Eliot."

"And how much does he make?"

"I'm not sure. Enough to live comfortably with me, his wife, and his three kids. He's an electrician."

"And what about your other brothers? You have any idea what their financial situations are?"

"Not really, but I know what they all do for a living. You should be able to figure out an estimated income from that. Would you like me to list them all for you?"

"Yes. And also tell us which of them have families to take care of versus which of them only have themselves to take care of."

"You got it. Are you prepared to write this all down? Because I'm not repeating it again. There's a lot of them."

"You, get a paper and pen, quickly."

Medium height man retrieved a pen and a notebook, prepared to write.

"Alright," I said, taking a deep breath. "Drake is head of the university theater department. He's got a wife who works as a waitress, but no kids. Tim is a traveling comedian. He's single. Sean and Chris own and run a bakery together. Sean has a wife and two kids, and Chris has a husband and no kids. Vince is a mental health therapist, and he has a wife and a baby on the way. Derek is a nurse, and he's single. Tony is a car salesman, and he's a single dad with five kids. Charlie sells pest control, and he's single. Mike is a cop, and he's got a husband and an adopted kid. Oscar and Quentin run a music store together, and both of them are single. Paul is a construction worker, and he's got a wife, a toddler, and another on the way. Hayden is a personal trainer and he's single. And Seth just graduated high school. He works part time at a gas station, and he's single."

"You mean to tell me you got fifteen older brothers?" Shorty asked, raising his eyebrows.

"That's right."

"And tell me, if we were to hold you for ransom, how much do you think we could get from the lot of them?"

"I've got no clue. Subtract their combined estimated cost of living with their combined estimated income and you might get a decent idea of how much they can spare. But that's assuming they're even willing to give you anything."

"You're saying there's a chance they'll just let you die?" Tall guy asked.

"I didn't say that," I said, shaking my head. "If they've got no other choice, they'll do whatever they can to scrape together enough money to free me. But there's a significant chance they might already know where you're keeping me. And if that's the case, you have no concept of how screwed you'll be when they get here."

"We're in the middle of nowhere," Shorty said. "There's no chance anyone will be able to find us."

"I take it this is your first time kidnapping someone?" I grinned.

"How'd you guess?" Medium height man asked, his eyes widening.

"Because every experienced criminal knows that it's easier to hide in a crowd than it is to hide in a forest," I said with a shrug. "Being in the middle of nowhere just means there's less to distract the dogs from tracking you down. And given the fact that Mike is a cop who has access to about a dozen scent hounds, that boosts their odds of finding us quite a bit."

"You're bluffing," Tall guy said.

"I'm dead serious," I said. "Oh, and also I forgot to mention that we've got connections to a couple of the most feared supervillains."

"Oh really? And who might these supposed supervillains be?"

"The Great Mastermind is one of them, and Dr. Void is the other one. They're both, shall I say, friends of the family. They've helped us out on more than one occasion. I'm nearly positive they'll be more than willing to help us out again."

"Now I know you're pulling my leg."

"If that's what you wanna tell yourselves," I said with a grin. "Don't say I didn't warn you when you're the ones begging for mercy."

"I dunno, boss," Medium height man said. "Maybe we should just let her go."

"You kidding?" Tall guy laughed. "She's obviously just saying whatever she thinks will save her skin. I say we slice off a few toes and see if she changes her tune."

"I highly recommend not doing that," I said. "So long as I remain fully intact, I might be able to convince them this was all a huge misunderstanding. I could tell them you saw me passed out drunk and decided to watch over me until I woke up so nobody else could take advantage of me. They might believe me. But if you shed even one drop of blood from my body, nothing I say will dissuade them from tearing you apart."

"You think you can scare me?"

"Clearly you're too stupid to be scared," I said, rolling my eyes. "Perhaps your buddy is hogging all the brain cells."

"That's it," Tall guy said, anger rising in his voice. "You're gonna be in a world of pain!"

"I really don't think we should be doing that," Medium height man said, a hint of fear present in his voice. "If she's telling the truth, we could be dead!"

"I'm in charge, and I say we teach this brat a lesson!"

"Back me up, here!" Medium height man looked frantically at Shorty. "You don't wanna risk dying, do you?"

"Nah, I think boss is right," Shorty said. "Besides, even if we can't get a ransom, there's other ways to squeeze money outta her. We could strip her down and sell pictures of her on the dark web. Or maybe we could cut her open and sell her organs on the black market. Or we could set up one of them red room kinda things. I'm betting there's plenty of people willing to pay to hear her screams."

"That's what I like to hear," Tall guy said. "Now are you gonna fall back in line, or would you like to join her?"

Medium height man swallowed. I felt a hint of pity for him.

"Don't worry," I said, looking at Medium height man. "I'll tell my brothers they're forcing you into it. You'll get off easy."

Medium height man looked at me doubtfully.

"I'm serious," I said. "You stuck up for me. Granted that's mostly because you're scared of my brothers, but still. I'll make sure my brothers know you're an unwilling participant. They'll understand."

Medium height man nodded gratefully towards me before bowing his head submissively towards Tall guy.

"Good," Tall guy said. "Now go get the camera, the knife block, the toolbox, and the blowtorch. We're gonna make her scream."

---

I'd lost track of time a while ago. Between the pain and the humiliation, it was becoming difficult to think about anything else. Still, I clung onto hope. My brothers would come for me. It wasn't a matter of if, but when.

"Are you ready to tell us the truth now?" Tall guy asked, clearly enjoying my agony.

"I told you the truth already," I said, my teeth clenched. "You're just an idiot."

"Pity for you, then," he said as he took out a paring knife. "Someone's just paid a half a million dollars for us to skin you alive. And personally, I'm quite curious to see what a girl looks like without skin."

"Hasn't she been through enough?" Medium height man hesitated.

"She clearly hasn't," Shorty said, snapping another picture. "Otherwise she'd been spilling her secrets."

"Okay, fine," I said, sweat pouring down my face. "There's a couple of tiny details that I purposely obscured just a little."

"I knew it," Tall guy said. "Now tell me the truth."

"Turn that camera off, and I'll tell you everything," I said, trying to speak with as much authority as I could muster.

"Fine. We'll turn it off, for now. But you tell another lie and we're turning it right back on again."

"Okay," I said, nodding. "There's three things that I purposely withheld from you. Number one, I'm technically not the only girl in the family. My little sister Zoe died in the crash alongside Mom and Dad. They were teaching her to drive. She accidently cut someone off, and that person ended up crashing into them, which knocked them into the path of an oncoming semi truck. That's what killed them."

"That's not relevant. Move on to the next one."

"Okay. Next one. You know those two supervillains I mentioned? Truth is, they are both my brothers. Drake is Dr. Void, and Vince is the Great Mastermind."

"You're replacing a lie with an even bigger lie. Adorable."

"It's the truth," I said, swallowing. "And what's more, there's a third supervillain that I purposely didn't mention. Are you familiar with the Dark Medic?"

"You mean the one who uses her healing magic to prolong the suffering of her victims?" Medium height man asked.

"The very same," I said. "I didn't mention her because she's technically a retired supervillain. But she's my sister-in-law. Drake's wife's sister, to be precise. And what's been happening to me might just be enough to temporarily push her out of retirement, if you catch my meaning."

"What a load of rubbish," Tall guy said. "We're turning the camera back on, and we're gonna peel every inch of skin from your body. Then after that we're gonna peel the meat from your bones. And then we're gonna drill holes through your bones and teeth. And finally we're gonna saw you into pieces so small they'll never be able to identify your remains."

"It's your funeral," I said, grinning through the pain. "I'm curious to see if anyone's gonna show up. Other than to spit on your gravestones, of course."

"You. Give her a bit of a char before we skin her," Tall guy said, pointing to Medium height man.

"I don't want--"

"Do it!"

Medium height man slowly nodded, his eyes wet with tears. He turned towards me. "I'm sorry, kid. If I'd known they'd be this ruthless I'd never have agreed to the job in the first place."

"I believe you," I said, smiling weakly. "And I promise you, I'll make sure my brothers spare you when they come."

"And if you die before you can tell them?"

"Then tell them the other two are pirate ants," I said quietly. "They'll know what it means."

"Pirate ants?"

"A little family code," I said, nodding. "Pirate ants, more commonly known as slaver ants or kidnapper ants, will kidnap and enslave other ant species."

"Understood," he said. "Thank you."

"Of course," I said, breathing in and out to calm myself. "Do what you need to do. I won't hold it against you."

"It won't be too much longer," he said, gently squeezing my shoulder. "One way or another, it'll be over soon. I promise."

"Thank you," I said, swallowing. "I'm ready."

A few minutes later, I heard the faint sound of dogs barking outside. A smile spread across my chapped lips as the sound grew closer and closer.

"Boss, she's smiling," Shorty said. "Why's she smiling like that? It's creeping me out."

"Just ignore her," Tall guy said. "The pain's likely driven her mad."

Then I started laughing maniacally as I heard the slightest sound of a window being pried open. Several sets of soft footsteps were above us, along with the jingle of several collars.

"Seriously, boss, she's really freaking me out," Shorty said, his voice trembling.

"I said ignore her. We keep going."

My laughing became louder and louder as the lights went out. They were here.

The door swung open with a crash. Mike stood at the other side of the door, a gun in his hand and a pair of dogs at his side.

"You three! Step away from my sister and put your hands in the air! Now!"

The three of them quickly obeyed.

Mike came into the room, quickly handcuffing them as the dogs growled a warning.

"About time you showed up," I said as more of my brothers came rushing into the room.

"Oh, Brianna," Eliot said, rushing to my side and undoing my restraints. "What did they do to you?"

"What's it look like?" I grinned in spite of the pain.

"Well at least you've still got your sense of humor intact," Derek said as he began binding my wounds. "How's your pain? Do you need me to get you anything to help with it?"

"Depends. Does a hangover mean the alcohol's completely out of my system? Because I woke up with a pretty bad one."

"You should be safe from any drug interactions, if that's what you're worried about."

"Cool. Then I'll take the strongest stuff you're allowed to give me. But first, I'd like to say that the guy whose height is in between the other two was an unwilling participant. He tried to comfort me as best as he could."

"Good to know," Drake said. "I was about to have my boys tear the lot of them apart for what they did to you. I'll make sure to spare that one."

"I'm sorry Eliot," I said, coughing. I should've listened to you. I shouldn't have gone out drinking."

"Shh," Eliot said as he laid a blanket over the top of me. "Don't worry about it. The important thing is that you're alive. And besides, I don't think any of us could've predicted this to happen as a result of...well..."

"Being a stupid teenager?" I grinned.

"I was trying not to put it that way, but yes."

"It's fine," I said, nodding. "I will fully admit that I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed."

"You seem to be taking this rather well," Vince said. "A lot better than I took it when it happened to me. And I was a grown man."

"I had hope. I knew my kidnappers were inexperienced, and I knew you guys would find me. That was enough to keep me going."

"I'm injecting you with a dose of morphine," Derek said. "You might get a little sleepy."

"I'm fine with that."

"I figured you would be. You could use some sleep after the day you've had."

"Thanks, guys," I said with a yawn as a wave of tiredness washed over me. "When I get better, I'm treating you all to ice cream."